In my last article, I described how I learned self-acceptance through a love affair, how to live alone with a stoma and how to find enough confidence to share its secrets with other people.  In this article, I share the stages I had to go through in my love life.

A couple and a surgery

When I got sick, I was in a long-term relationship with a friend I had known since elementary school.  Meanwhile, the inflammation in my colon had evolved at a furious rate so I soon found myself discussing stomas with my gastroenterologist.  I was scared and my partner was too.  How could we not be?  I had no idea what to expect and he was in the same boat!  In the years that followed my operation, I often heard the comment that I was lucky I was in a relationship during my surgery.  It’s true, I was lucky!  I had chosen a person who loved me for who I was, who complimented me sincerely even with my stoma and who helped me regain my self-confidence.  My adventures with my stoma and with him went very well; he saw how the little bag on my belly allowed me to live.

However, being in a relationship while getting a stoma doesn’t eliminate completely the stress of…getting a stoma.  During my hospital stay, a nurse visited me to tell me about what to expect and asked me how I was going to reveal my stoma to my partner, how I felt he would react, if I believed he would be supportive and if I thought he would end the relationship.  All these questions made me really anxious!  I knew the situation stressed him out so how was I supposed to believe that everything would stay the same?  Was I meant to respond to this nurse that it was impossible that our relationship couldn’t get through this ordeal? In fact, everything is possible but nothing is impossible!

Single, after surgery

A few years later, for reasons other than my stoma, my boyfriend and I ended the lovers part of our relationship.  I was single with the idea that I was lucky to have been inn a relationship during my surgery.  Did it mean that I could never be in relationship again?  I was 24 years old and I had never gone through the process of a first date.  I knew how to manage a stoma but I had no idea how to flirt.  You know Tinder?  The app is subject to many prejudices but for me it was an ally.  I made matches in the comfort of my living room, it was so easy!  Virtual exchanges were not stressful and I had the impression that they facilitated first meetings by introducing a thousand and one topics of conversation.  I learned about people with interests that were different from mine and frankly, I loved it!

And the stress of announcing I’m an ostomate in all of this?  Not once did I say it without a crack in my voice and a quickened pulse!  Some dates were never told no matter why!  Some found out on the first date because I saw an opportunity to talk about it and to confront my inner stress or because one way or another it becomes a topic of conversation (when you say you were late starting university because you were sick or when you have a business selling underwear for ostomates questions do come up…)  Some people learned on subsequent dates and personally, I found these tardy announcements the most difficult!  I’d get to a stage where I’d gotten to know the other person but in spite of my long mental preparation to speak about it, I had the impression that my announcement was totally messed up.  Finally, some guys found out without being told.  One day a girlfriend told me: “If the guy’s in the mood to go further, you telling him that you want to keep your bandeau on your belly (without telling him why) won’t stop him from carrying on!”  I held onto her comment.  She was totally right!

A couple after surgery

Finding love on Tinder?  That’s impossible!  Well, everything’s possible.  My boyfriend is one of the men that I told (about my stoma) on our first date.  To be honest, we talked so much about everything and nothing that I don’t even remember how it came to up.  One thing’s for sure, I’m so happy I told him that day, because even though we had started speaking to each other online the day before, we were meeting that first time to see if we were compatible to travel together…I had decided to go on a trip, alone.  I was leaving in ten days, but I was getting more and more apprehensive about leaving alone.  He was looking for an adventure.

Ten days later, without any further ado, we were together under the hot sun of Andalusia having met each other only once before our departure.  Crazy? Thoughtless? Impulsive? I agree!  Usually, I’m hyper-organized and deliberate.  Honestly, I jumped into the abyss agreeing to travel with this unknown, a stranger, but the fear of jumping would have made me miss something so beautiful.  I could have stayed safe in the comfort of my living room and never met these Tinder matches.  I could have never confronted my fear of rejection.  I could have believed that it was impossible that anyone would accept me as I am.  It’s true, I could have, but for what?

You alone can decide to jump into the void or not but know that the void is there to be filled.  Fill it with incredible adventures, big emotions, unforgettable memories and your pride in having been stronger than your fear.

 Andréanne

Translated from the original French by Jane Loignon

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