Dear readers,

I hope that the first blogpost was as good for you as it was for me. Since adapting to an ostomy (bag) brings a lot of legitimate emotions, I think it’s important to continue talking about understanding and standardizing our emotions.

Once past the stage of getting used to your daily life, a lot of people with a stoma fear the moment they reclaim their sex life. How do you do it? This is a burning question.  But what is a normal and fulfilling sex life? According to the World Health Organisation (WHO), there are three essential elements to live your sex life fully:

1.       Being able to fully enjoy and control our sexual and reproductive behaviour; (being able to fully enjoy sexual intercourse)

2.       Not feeling fear, shame or culpability that would inhibit our sexual reactions; (avoid attitudes that could prevent sexual intercourse)

3.       Not suffering from any disease or any impairment altering sexual and reproductive functions. (Absence of diseases that could modify sexual intercourse)

First, being able to fully enjoy and control our sexual and reproductive behaviour requires good knowledge of your own body and erogenous zones. After a (THE) surgery, your body undergoes changes that definitely modify the way you live in your own body and assert your sexuality. And, if sexuality paradoxically remains a taboo subject in our society, it is even more for ostomate women. Would the fact that a lot of people care not be a sign that we need to talk more about it? Talk about our discomforts, our pain, and the changes we go through. Talk about the fear of not being able to control our bag during intercourse (and the means to do it), the fear of appearing less desirable to our partner, and the fear of always having to explain ourselves, and never be able to enjoy our sexuality. Talk to reassure ourselves. To standardise. To regain ourselves. Eventually, talk to raise awareness.

It’s true that sexuality should be exempt of fear, shame or culpability. The discussion as a lot more chances of being profitable and enjoyable if you take your time choosing the right time for it. That way, you will not associate your sexuality awakening to something negative that you would want to suppress. It is extremely important that intimate moments be positive and comforting. If they are, you will want to experience them again.

I partly agree with the third point, but I also hate it. I don’t like the part about impairments altering sexual and reproductive functions. They are referring to other events that can alter sexual function, but I think they could have chosen better words, especially when talking about re-appropriation of one’s body. I think what’s missing in this definition is the place given to the different conditions we see in our diverse society. Does being different mean we cannot fully live our sexuality anymore? Multiples crucial stages also alter the way we experience our body, namely your first sexual experience, pregnancy, and menopause.

What’s a satisfying sex life? How do we live it fully? Do we really need a pre-established or a formal definition? Do our fears come from rigid standards?

And what if sexuality is only about attitude and acceptance?  It is about accepting yourself and your partner. It is a relationship between two people where human touch, comfort and security are key points of a satisfying sex life. Finally, sexuality could simply be a state of mind, a relationship without any extravagance that is built between two people.

Sincerely, 

Stefanny