A few days before getting my big bowel removed, my gastroenterologist sat at the foot of my bed to talk about my rectum and the different options I had. I never thought I had the freedom to choose anything concerning my anus.

I had to choose between having everything removed, or keeping my rectum and my anal sphincter. Both options have pros and cons. The first option comes with high risks of infertility, as the surgery takes place close to the reproductive organs. Furthermore, there is no turning back if you get your anus removed. I was going to be an ostomate for the rest of my life. However, if I chose the second option, there would always be a way out. I could always opt for an ileo-anal pouch, where the small bowel is connected to the rectum. In my wildest dreams, I think that medical and technological progress will perhaps lead us to the creation of an artificial colon. Knowing that there may be more options eventually is extremely reassuring when going through hard moments. However, the cons of keeping your anus includes annual endoscopies and the mucus that the rectum produces. My doctor told me beforehand that my rectum could produce a small amount of mucus. When I had to make a choice, my parents helped me out a lot, as this is a decision you make neither alone, nor on a whim. Actually, no one should have to make this kind of decision in their life ever.

I finally decided to keep my rectum. I could imagine living without my big bowel as it’s impossible to actually see the lack of an organ. Aside from the scar and the stoma, it’s a very abstract thing. Getting an external anatomical structure removed, however, is a complete different thing. I didn’t want to feel like I was missing something. I also feared men would desire me less because I was missing a hole down there.

After a long, vital reflection concerning my butt, the surgeons made me a rectal stump. I hate this term, as it makes me feel like an amputee. The stump can require a lot of maintenance. Two to three times a week, I need to use a suppository to nourish the cells in my rectum. This reduces inflammation that’s related to a normal reaction from my body, and not to my disease. Basically, the cells in our rectum feed on the nutrients found in our poop, so when you don’t defecate through your anus, they rebel against you.

A week after my surgery, I kept complaining that I wanted to defecate. My parents always told me that it was just phantom pain, and that it would go away. That’s when a surgeon put a urinary catheter in my butt and removed a good amount of mucus. She told me that I was not crazy and that my pain was real. That’s when I knew I had to go to the bathroom to empty my rectum when it was full. This was far different from the small amount of mucus my doctor had told me about. I adapted to the situation all the same. The hardest part was finding the balance between the amount of suppositories to use and the number of time to empty my rectum each week. The more I use suppositories, the faster my rectum gets full. However, the less I use suppositories, the more inflamed my bowel gets and the more mucus my rectum produces. It’s not always easy living with my rectum, but I’d be lying if I said that I regret my choice. If I had to go through this experience again, I would make the same decision again and again. 

Laurie-Anne

Français

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