Writing has always been very therapeutic for me, hence my admiration for the blog ANA & Moi. Lately I've found several diaries that I have used throughout my recovery, and I wanted to share some of them with you. Enjoy reading!

After diagnosis:

“Dear Crohn's disease,
Yes, I’m I’m talking to you like this, because everyone wants to know who you are. You decided to appear, just like that, in my gut. You were doing your job, and you were doing it very well. Every time, you started very slowly, and then you became fierce and ruthless. I read that you attack people aged between 15 and 25 years… This sickens me! We care so much about our plans for the future, and now we have to plan with you in the picture…
You made me suffer, fast, puke and shit what little I had in my body. I was dying a little bit more each day while you took advantage of my intestines. Today I learned that I have to change my lifestyle and diet. After everything you did to me, you’re going to force me to change my habits too? I think you’re demanding! But you know what? I’ll never see you as my enemy. You’ll always be there, but you won’t define who I am. I don’t want to love you, but I don’t want to hate you either. I just want you to be inside me, but never wake up again. I’m really exhausted because of you… you can’t even imagine how much. I can’t wait for you to calm down. I look forward to regain control of my life. This is my body, and you’re an intruder. You’re not welcome here! "

“Hey Crohn!
I wrote you one time, when I was at Verdun Hospital. I didn’t know you back then. I’m writing you again, because we got to know each other a bit. At first, you scared me. I didn’t know you could be this aggressive! Did you want to kill me? Specialists want to remove one of my organs. Didn’t you want to be nicer to me? You don’t know what kindness is, do you? You don’t do half your job when you strike. You’re so stubborn. Doctors don’t know what to do with me. Medication doesn’t seem to work anymore. So we wait…”

“You make me so tired. I can’t take it anymore. Stop hurting me. I’m going crazy. I don’t wish you on anyone. No one should feel the pain, fear and panic that every cramp brings. No one should wake up in the morning feeling thankful being in one piece. I don’t wish this to anyone… not even to my worst enemy.”

 “PLEASE GOD, HEAL ME, I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!”

Somewhere between my 3 surgeries:

“I don’t want to die… but I don’t want to live either.”

The year after:

“Laurie-Anne. What a courageous girl! She went through so many hardships during the past two months. She sacrificed her colon to feel better… to LIVE!

And that girl is me. I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to identify with her. I was looking at pictures yesterday and it felt like those memories weren’t mine. It’s as if they weren’t mine anymore. I think surgeons not only removed my colon, but my identity too. It’s extremely hard. Looking at myself in the mirror is really unpleasant. Looking so much like before makes me anxious. I feel so different inside…”

 “This all happened 10 months ago. During those months, I wondered why. Why me? Why so many bad news? Why did I have to fear death at that age? I never got an answer, and I probably never will. I thought life was so unfair to me. But lately I feel like it’s trying to make amends for everything it put me through. Life is offering me a more or less normal life. I’m back in school. I’m in a relationship with a guy who loves me as I am. I just found a job in a store. Thanks life for all those ups and downs!”

“It’s been a year since I was diagnosed with this damned disease. This hardship opened my eyes. I see life differently now. I lost my naivety. I know now that bad things don’t just happen to others. I also know that life can be cruel one day and generous the next. I have long wanted a miracle. I prayed everyday so I would heal. But I decided to live and fight when I had more than one reason to give up. I just hadn’t realised that I was the miracle.”

Laurie-Anne

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