I couldn't wait to go back to work. I had spent a year and a half not being able to take care of myself because I was sick, so I was excited to regain some semblance of a normal life.

I wasn't sure how my body would react to completing my work days, working all week long, taking care of my home, and having hobbies and a social life. I wanted everything to be like it was before.

I was a little bit wrong. Of course things will change and evolve while you're away. Mentally, it's hard to deal with all of this.

People compared my absence to a maternity leave. I guess you can compare both because I didn't come into work for about a year. But I don't think they're the same at all! I was sick and unable to take care of myself. I didn't choose to be absent for so long. I didn't choose to be sick!

My biggest fear was to be labelled as an "ill person". I was afraid that people would think I wasn't able to do things. At first it's nice to see that people care and you can take all the time you need to get back into things, but it's not when it lasts for months. When I decided that I was ready to go back to work, I wanted to start working on projects again. I had lost enough time already. I think one of the most difficult thing to accept was that despite everything I'd accomplished before, I had to start from scratch again. I needed to prove myself once again. It was incredibly frustrating!

All this led me to ask myself a lot of questions about my job and myself. Why am I working here? Does my work have meaning? What does it matter to society that I'm being paid a certain amount of money to do my job? After everything I went through, I want my life to have a purpose.

Returning to work was mentally demanding, and not physically demanding like I thought it would be. I got through it with the help of my psychologist. Now I ask myself about what I really want and what makes me happy. I don't have all the answers yet, but I'm moving forward and I know I'm on the right path. I wouldn't be on that path if it wasn't for Crohn's disease. My ordeal made me grow and learn. It taught me that to companies, we are all replaceable. This realisation made me focus on myself, my life and the things that matter.

Joannie Houde

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