I’m sure you all know that anyone with a stoma was afraid of resuming sexual activities and meeting new partners. I was 18 years old and single when I learned I would have a pouch on my stomach for the rest of my life. This was probably the worst case scenario for me. I’ll still tell you my story, not just to talk about it, but to try and help people who could fall into the same trap as me.

I started dating someone after my fourth surgery. We spoke via video calls at night, when I had tubes in in pretty much all of my orifices. He wanted to meet me despite my weird appearance, and everything went well after that. When we decided to form a couple, he had just lost his job, so he had more time to take care of me. Everything was perfect. I was convinced I had found the love of my life, because he accepted me as I was. Throughout our relationship, I rebuilt my confidence and self-esteem thanks to his love. I felt pretty because he found me pretty. Here is what I should’ve avoided: getting into a relationship right after a surgery, before I could learn to love myself regardless of how my boyfriend viewed me.

After a year, our relationship deteriorated due to personal reasons. I stayed with him for a few more months even though I was unhappy. I was afraid of being alone with my pouch. Losing my boyfriend meant that I would lose everything I had worked on and built that year. We finally broke up when things became too difficult. He told me I shouldn’t leave him because he was the only one who was accepting me as I was. He knew how fragile I was. He also told me he was afraid I’d be turned down by another guy, because it would crush me. He was probably right.

A few weeks later, I had my first ever one night stand! I was told that I’d never have that kind of sexual experience because of my stoma. I can tell you that you should never say never. Don’t stop living your life fully because of your stoma.

That is when I started rebuilding my self-esteem. I learned to accept and love myself. I don’t need a man thinking I’m attractive to feel good about myself. I met a few more guys after that, and none of them minded my stoma. To this day, my ex-boyfriend is wrong. I still have work to do on my coming-out for when I meet someone new. If it is announced positively and with confidence, no one should care about it. If someone rejects you because of it, it just means that they didn’t deserve you and they were not mature enough to be a part of your life. We all deserve someone who loves us and accept us as we are. But never forget: accept yourself first.

After all, the most important thing is how you view yourself.

Laurie-Anne

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