I experienced post-traumatic depression
"Happiness is not at the top of the mountain, but in how to climb" -Confucius
Life is full of little moments that we should cherish and appreciate before everything else. We never know when our life will turn upside down and that's why we have to be thankful for all the little things it offers us. We live in a world which pushes us to perform, to always be quick and efficient, and to run out of breath to achieve some goals that will never bring us as much as family, friends and love in the end. Let’s be grateful that we can wake up every morning, see, move, hear, speak, or breathe without sustained effort. Let’s be grateful that we can eat three meals a day, have a roof over our heads, are able to dress, and aren’t alone. We don’t know how lucky and wealthy we are until we lose one of those elements… In my opinion, health is the most essential one to life. It’s important to take care of ourselves, whether physically or mentally, and never neglect ourselves!
April 25, 2017
My remission has officially started! After having undergone an ovarian transposition, the removal of my rectum, a temporary ileostomy, a reanastomosis, 5 months of chemotherapy and 26 sessions of radiation therapy, I can finally say that my fight is over. I finally exterminated you, damn cancer! After a year and a half facing those life trials with all my resilience, positivity and determination, I finally got through it. Well, that's what I thought…
May 2017
Only a month and a half after having had my last surgery and having rested a little from the demanding chemotherapy session, I decided to get back to work. The society being so made, we feel guilty for staying at home, even when we have all the reasons in the world to do so. I was in a hurry to get back to my normal life - my old life - to start university again and move on. However, I still hadn't realized that my life would never be the same, because it had changed, and so had I…
When we go through hard times, we evolve, but to do so, we also have to accept the things we can’t change. Despite my positivity, my problem was that I unconsciously hadn’t accepted what had happened to me. I realized that I was feeling angry at the injustice I had experienced. Why me? Why did a 25-year-old woman who has always wanted to have children become sterile? Why did I have to start all over again at university when all my fellow students had already finished? Why did I have to take into consideration that life is fragile and be afraid of cancer recurrence? Why did I no longer correspond to the typical path of life - school, boyfriend, house, dog and children - in society? Nothing reached me anymore… What were my goals? Why was I going to achieve them?
From then on, I had to set myself new goals, but I had to find who I was first. WHO WAS I? I must admit that I’m still working on that process! For a whole year, I defined myself by cancer, hospitals and medical examinations. Suffering, fear and medication had so become my comfort zone that I was more worried about being healthy and starting my life over again than staying sick… When we have cancer, the health system guides us to such a point that we have no other choice than trusting and letting go. We no longer have control over our life, except for the way we perceive it. However, when we have recovered, we have to take control of a brand new vehicle which we’re not accustomed to, and believe me, it’s even worse when we don’t know where to go. After many reconsiderations, I decided to leave everything in two weeks to move to a remote area and leave the atmosphere of illness behind, to recharge my batteries, clear my head, find myself as an individual, and, above all, start university again but in a new field.
September 2017
Two days later, as soon as I arrived in town, I had already started full-time university studies and my 25-hour-a-week job as a waitress. I wanted to be like everyone else and get back into a routine. However, I wasn't like everyone else anymore... I started too fast, so I had to take a break from school. Not listening to my body and doctors, I became exhausted, physically and psychologically... Losing control of my body again made me so helpless that I became a victim of post-traumatic depression. I kept reliving the events I had just gone through and I was mad at life not knowing where to go or having the strength to go on. I didn't recognize myself anymore. As strong and resilient as I had been during my treatments, now the only thing I wanted was to get sick again because I knew I was able to do it properly... This feeling of unhappiness lasted for several months and I honestly don't wish it on anyone. Even if it’s not apparent, mental illness is very difficult to live with. It’s important not to isolate yourself and to ask for help.
October 2018
A year went by before I found myself as an individual. To accept my situation, I had to go through several phases, such as denial, sadness and anger. Fortunately, I had a lot of help and support. It’s important to ask for help in those kinds of situations because suffering from mental health problems botches our view of reality. We’re no longer able to see the exit doors to live again and everything seems like a huge task to accomplish. Don't be afraid to consult a doctor, a psychologist, a social worker, your family, your friends, and even self-help groups in order to get out of it and make sure everything will be fine.
Remember that we’re human beings first and foremost. It’s normal to feel pain, anger or denial when something happens in our lives. However, we must listen to our mind and body, and accept our limitations, because we aren’t robots! Self-love is the basis for fulfillment. When we experience events which change our lives, we must think about our well-being and how we can improve it, we must accept the things we can’t change in order to move forward in life. Each event makes us stronger and gives us some tools to face life’s trials. Be proud of your marks and scars, they represent your resilience!
You’re beautiful, smart and capable of anything! Have gratitude for life!
Brought to you by: Hollister
